From the heart · Real life stories

Torn and Confused

Feel so disgusted writing this, I feel so numb inside and still feel helpless. I have no one to tell, who would listen anyways without judging me. He was supposed to be my friend, I felt safe with him, yet he did this to me. We have always goofed around, and he was always a perfect gentleman and never pushed forward anytime I said no but not on this occasion.

It all started out as a usual fun night we always shared on Fridays after the long week. We had dinner, I had prepared a light meal before he arrived. We talked and watched a movie like we do most evenings we spend together. We kissed and smooched for a bit while sharing a glass of wine, I always looked forward to these moments with him because I felt safe, wanted, needed. We had talked about boundaries and the fact that I wasn’t ready to have sex just yet and we always stopped before things got too intense, I guess I was walking a fine line because it all changed tonight, he wouldn’t stop when I told him to.

It was sweet and all until he became rough and unresponsive to all my pleas, his eyes were fierce, and I couldn’t recognize the person I saw. He pinned me down even though I was struggling and calling his name trying to remind him that we agreed I wasn’t ready for this. I still thought it was something I could control but things went sour quick, he didn’t hit me, but he rendered me motionless under his huge frame and that was when it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to stop.

I lay motionless while he hiked my skirt up and all I could do was bite his shoulders thinking that would hurt him enough to stop what he was about to do but he didn’t flinch. He was breathing all over me now and I accepted my fate while he kept humping away. It all happened so quickly but it seemed like an eternity as I counted every second waiting for this nightmare to end. He betrayed my trust is all I can think of now, I know people would be quick to judge me that I was naive and stupid.

I have not been able to process it all since last night, he kept begging me just after and saying he was sorry for losing control and asking for forgiveness. I am torn, dejected, depressed, and fucking angry. Angry at him for turning into an animal, angry at myself for everything. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone in fear of being blamed for it all. I am really struggling with my reality and the fact that I was raped by someone I trusted the most, my best friend.

Photo by Steinar Engeland on Unsplash

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