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Tales from a coward

I met her on my way home on that fateful day, she walked up to me and introduced herself, we had a mutual friend and that was her in. It is not as if I hadn’t seen her before, I had been a silent admirer as we all lived in the same neighborhood, but she beat me to the punch. We exchanged numbers and we kept in touch saying the occasional “hello just checking in on you” until we lost touch.

After months of radio silence, I was on twitter streets when I saw a tweet from her and immediately I slid into her DM. Did I mention I had already stalked her on social media…hides face. She responded but didn’t know who she was talking to, so I had to explain how we met and who I was before she agreed to share her new number. She had moved to another city for work, we talked and chatted normally like there was no distance between us. Video calls, voice calls, and the occasional flirting as over the next few months we practically talked every day. I got used to talking to her and we were cool with each other, we fooled around a couple of times, phone sex, facetime strip tease, exchanged nudes… apart from distance apart everything was perfect. We kept telling each other what we would do when we were together, cliché right?

As fate would have it she was posted back to my city after a year away. We never talked about or agreed to be exclusive, as in all that time I was still entertaining other ladies in my city and she would occasionally tell me about the guys that were into her and were trying to get with her. For each story I would always tease her about her taste in men. She came in on a Friday night, I picked her up at the airport and dropped her off at home. We spent the weekend together but there was no tearing of f clothes, tongue down the throat, nothing physical as we had promised each other. We were just excited to see each other, hang out in person as opposed to technology.

I also got notified that I would be going on a company sponsored training course for a couple of months. So just as quickly as we were reunited we got separated again. The night before I left we spent together, after helping me pack, things finally got hot and heavy. Although we did not have sex, we did everything else and oh sorry no anal either… you “pervs”. It was just a plain old making out session with a little side of oral. I left, and she cried and that was when it dawned on me that we had something different, something special.

We did the same things but this time around I was the one away. She didn’t mention any love interests unlike before, it seemed like she was waiting on me or for me. That scared me because I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. I visited midway through my training and I asked that we remain friends but with benefits and she agreed. We spent the whole break together, we just couldn’t keep our hands to ourselves. In all this I just couldn’t bring myself top have sex with her. We would fool around and all, but I refused penetration and she was fine with that. It was one hell of a break because I really needed that after two long months. We would take turns pleasing each other, hardly went out, just us, food and four walls, but like they say all good things must end. The weekend was over, and I returned for the final lap of my training. We kept in touch more and it was exciting because soon we would be together again.

Things changed when I returned as although we were still madly attracted to each other and exploring our bodies, I could sense she wanted more. Couple of months after I returned, she professed her love for me and I was stunned, I went on the defensive and ended things as cowardly as possible. The time apart I spent trying to forget her, to replace her but no one measured up. I kept fighting myself, why was I so scared to commit, why was I scared to give my all emotionally and physically. I kept losing that battle, I would drunk text, booty call, I played on the fact that she couldn’t say no to me. I became a fuckboy, or I guess I was before, but this was the full manifestation. What we had now became an off and on situationship, with her coming back and we get physical then she realizing she deserves better. She had several relationships with other guys, but she would always come back crying to me that she didn’t love them but me. The fool in me still took her for granted.

I am writing my story to warn some guy out there not to be like me, I did her wrong for years in a relationship I knew was going nowhere. I am a coward, I am a fuckboy, please do not be like me. Today I saw her pre-wedding photo shoot and I had to fight the urge to contact her instead I am sharing my loss in a bid to deter some guy that thinks he is a stud and wants to mess around with a woman who is ready to give her all. Don’t be a fool like I was.

I have decided to release her, she deserves better, I have my regrets, but I have also learnt a lot and wish her nothing but love and happiness.

From a fuckboy.

 

One thought on “Tales from a coward

  1. This is the kind of post that a lot of men and even ladies alike can relate to. However, leaving a comment will be tantamount to exposing our status as evaders and cowards. So well said and sorry for your loss …

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